He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
Randomize
