it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Randomize
