First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
Randomize
