I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
