I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Randomize
