I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
Randomize
