I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
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