hotel room ftw
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
