Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Randomize
