I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
