a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Randomize
