I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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