Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
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