Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
Randomize
