The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
Randomize
