Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
just found out that she named her cat after me.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
Randomize
