college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
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