We won't sleep together?
In the future we'll all be gay
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Randomize
