Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
