Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
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