Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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