he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
I smell like Dick and happiness
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Randomize
