You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
