Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
Randomize
