Moan for me like Helen Keller
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
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