Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
