How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
He kissed a someone with a penis
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
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