Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
