I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Is it cum slut, cumslut or cum-slut? Sexting, plz advise ASAP
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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