Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
