I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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