You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
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