wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
Randomize
