I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
