I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
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