Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Randomize
