Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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