I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
You pole danced in your parka.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
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