There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
