Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
right now I need to figure out a smart way to get an accurate picture of his dick so I know what in dealing with, right now in flying blind.
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
