Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
