I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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