Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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