walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize
