his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
walking back to the dorm.. she is flashing evryone, demanding beads. we tried to stop her and now she just keeps yelling "Bourbon st bitchesss"... you get her tomorrow
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Randomize
