I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
grandma shit on top of the toilet
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
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