Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
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