If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
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