I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Randomize
