I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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