I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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