Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
Randomize
