we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
